Situation
It was ugly! Two brothers who founded a successful company were at the “You buy me out! Or I'll buy you out!” stage. They were barely talking. Their attorney brought in a neutral, third party Varnum Consulting consultant to coach them. Neither brother was enthusiastic about involving an outsider but they both agreed.
The coach asked to sit in on a management meeting. The younger brother soon objected to the older brother's proposal on how to handle a complaining supplier. Each quickly became angry!
“Tell your brother what you think he's saying,” the coach directed the older brother. He glared at the coach in disbelief, muttering, “I know what Stupid said!” But he gave a quick summary.
“ No way ! See, you weren't listening! You never do! That's not at all what I said!” Junior barked.
The coach intervened: “Okay. So tell your brother what you were saying. Help him understand!” Junior rolled his eyes and growled but restated his objections.
The coach kept interrupting, insisting that each brother show the other what he had understood. He continually asked both what they needed and wanted. Each kept pushing his own case.
Immediate and longer term payoffs
Finally Junior interrupted himself: “Hey, wait minute! Are you saying that . . .?” He summarized his brother's position. The older brother was caught off guard. He was too busy preparing his rebuttal to listen! Junior again summarized his brother's position. Amazed, the older brother said, “Well, uh! Yeah! That's exactly what I was saying! I thought you'd never get it!”
The atmosphere in the room changed. Instead of arguing, the brothers (mostly!) got into joint problem solving. Within 45 minutes they worked out a plan to deal with supplier problems.
It took a few more coaching sessions, with quick phone calls and emails in between, but soon the brothers no longer needed an outside third party. Because they'd learned how to manage their conflicts well, listening to each other and looking for the best solutions instead of fighting each other, they made better decisions. Staff morale improved. So did the bottom line.
